Well, maybe not exactly 10 weeks, but pretty close. Soon, I will be moving from Los Angeles to San Jose. It's going to be the biggest change of my life since spending 10 weeks in Virginia, and the biggest move I'll be making since I moved to LA.
I have a lot on my mind. As I get closer and closer to moving up north, it gets harder and harder to function normally at church. I think it's getting harder and harder. I'm trying to make time for everyone, make sure that it's a smooth transition for everyone when I leave, make sure I say all my goodbyes and finish up the list of "to-do", "to-see".
People ask me if I'm excited to move down. I am. I want to be closer to my girlfriend and closer to family, learn different ways and meet new people.
But what I feel now is sadness. Lets be honest, I'm not the one who does well when it comes to being thanked or appreciated; I have a hard time receiving love in comparison to how much love I try to show for others. You may think I'm talking about two completely different sentences, but it really comes down to this. I feel loved by the church and I will have a hard time saying goodbye because I showed my love through my actions and dedication.
I'm not sure what to express: gratitude for what I had/have/will have, sad for what I'll lose, excited for what I'll gain, frustrated that I can't clarify, express, nor relieve the thoughts in my mind.
I lift up my prayers to you God. I hope that you bring sanity in my life, and I hope that God will do the same for you.
All at once, the world can overwhelm you,
There's almost nothing that you could tell me
That could ease my mind.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Being Human
Sorry I haven't published anything lately. I should have, it was a crazy summer and all, but no, I haven't said anything.
Til now.
I just got back from celebrating with some of the advisors of a good year, and the seniors for a job well done, but I really didn't say anything or want to say anything at all. I realize that it may be the last three hours I'll spend with some of them for the rest of the Summer, probably the rest of the year, and I feel crappy for not having the right words on my tongue or anything. Hell, I was on the end of the table.
It's wierd. I wanted to say that I love them and miss them and hope the best for them in college/seminary/life. I practiced in my head for months what I was going to say to each of them. At the same time, I just wanted to go home from being frustrated that I couldn't talk in the first place. I'm not sure whether I just am going through the phase of missing them, or that I can't handle change as well as I think I do. In either case, I didn't say much, just left. Barely looked back.
I don't tell many people this, but the only regret I have in life is not being able to say what is on my chest at the moment. It makes me think I don't have that lasting impact in a person's life. It makes me think that I missed something if I never saw them again. I know I'm action-oriented, willing to do something more than say it out loud. But it just sucks when you don't say anything at all.
Why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I say I got their back even though they know it, or the fact that I love them so much that I will miss them all dearly and already do, as I do every year when this happens? Why?
I don't know.
Til now.
I just got back from celebrating with some of the advisors of a good year, and the seniors for a job well done, but I really didn't say anything or want to say anything at all. I realize that it may be the last three hours I'll spend with some of them for the rest of the Summer, probably the rest of the year, and I feel crappy for not having the right words on my tongue or anything. Hell, I was on the end of the table.
It's wierd. I wanted to say that I love them and miss them and hope the best for them in college/seminary/life. I practiced in my head for months what I was going to say to each of them. At the same time, I just wanted to go home from being frustrated that I couldn't talk in the first place. I'm not sure whether I just am going through the phase of missing them, or that I can't handle change as well as I think I do. In either case, I didn't say much, just left. Barely looked back.
I don't tell many people this, but the only regret I have in life is not being able to say what is on my chest at the moment. It makes me think I don't have that lasting impact in a person's life. It makes me think that I missed something if I never saw them again. I know I'm action-oriented, willing to do something more than say it out loud. But it just sucks when you don't say anything at all.
Why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I say I got their back even though they know it, or the fact that I love them so much that I will miss them all dearly and already do, as I do every year when this happens? Why?
I don't know.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Walk On - Sermon Summary and thoughts
So I preached today at church, and I titled it "Walk on". Free copies are located at church!
Taking the story of the walk to Emmaus and Jesus appearing to the disciples in Luke 24:13-49, my message described our lives filled with these moments where we cannot move beyond them. We focus and lose sight of the overall vision, like the two disciples who couldn't see Jesus even though he was right in front of them. Moments that keep us "busy", moments of grief/sadness, frustration, or even joy could possibly act as walls in our lives, preventing us to see the larger picture.
What do we need to remember? that Jesus is with us. That is part of the vision, and remembering that Jesus walks with us will help us clarify everything else.
When we remember Jesus, we remember the vision.
Expect Jesus to be there, but God expects you to walk on. If there's anything you need to let go to get you past the walls in your life, just let it go. Like U2 Bono's song: You can only take so much...Walk on...leave it behind
Whatever is holding you from getting past the walls in your life, just let go and walk on with Jesus. When you leave it behind and walk on, expect Jesus to be beside you, reminding you what Jesus taught us and the big vision that we’re a part of.
QUESTIONS:
1. The eyes of a child - Think of a moment that you were so focused, that it commanded all of your attention.
2. Seeing vs. Visioning - Do you have moments in your life currently from preventing you from seeing a bigger vision?
3. Walk on - What things do you need to let go in order for you to get past these walls in your life?
Taking the story of the walk to Emmaus and Jesus appearing to the disciples in Luke 24:13-49, my message described our lives filled with these moments where we cannot move beyond them. We focus and lose sight of the overall vision, like the two disciples who couldn't see Jesus even though he was right in front of them. Moments that keep us "busy", moments of grief/sadness, frustration, or even joy could possibly act as walls in our lives, preventing us to see the larger picture.
What do we need to remember? that Jesus is with us. That is part of the vision, and remembering that Jesus walks with us will help us clarify everything else.
When we remember Jesus, we remember the vision.
Expect Jesus to be there, but God expects you to walk on. If there's anything you need to let go to get you past the walls in your life, just let it go. Like U2 Bono's song: You can only take so much...Walk on...leave it behind
Whatever is holding you from getting past the walls in your life, just let go and walk on with Jesus. When you leave it behind and walk on, expect Jesus to be beside you, reminding you what Jesus taught us and the big vision that we’re a part of.
QUESTIONS:
1. The eyes of a child - Think of a moment that you were so focused, that it commanded all of your attention.
2. Seeing vs. Visioning - Do you have moments in your life currently from preventing you from seeing a bigger vision?
3. Walk on - What things do you need to let go in order for you to get past these walls in your life?
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