Being Human

Sorry I haven't published anything lately.  I should have, it was a crazy summer and all, but no, I haven't said anything.

Til now.

I just got back from celebrating with some of the advisors of a good year, and the seniors for a job well done, but I really didn't say anything or want to say anything at all.  I realize that it may be the last three hours I'll spend with some of them for the rest of the Summer, probably the rest of the year, and I feel crappy for not having the right words on my tongue or anything.  Hell, I was on the end of the table. 

It's wierd.  I wanted to say that I love them and miss them and hope the best for them in college/seminary/life.  I practiced in my head for months what I was going to say to each of them.  At the same time, I just wanted to go home from being frustrated that I couldn't talk in the first place.  I'm not sure whether I just am going through the phase of missing them, or that I can't handle change as well as I think I do.  In either case, I didn't say much, just left.  Barely looked back. 

I don't tell many people this, but the only regret I have in life is not being able to say what is on my chest at the moment.  It makes me think I don't have that lasting impact in a person's life.  It makes me think that I missed something if I never saw them again.  I know I'm action-oriented, willing to do something more than say it out loud.  But it just sucks when you don't say anything at all.

Why didn't I say anything?  Why didn't I say I got their back even though they know it, or the fact that I love them so much that I will miss them all dearly and already do, as I do every year when this happens?  Why?

I don't know.