10 weeks after 10 weeks

This has been probably one of the few times I've stayed up past 2:30 since I came back home from Virginia.  And I really don't want to sleep just yet.  Sure, I'm super exhausted, every bone in my body aches, and there is no reason why I should lay down on my makeshift bed to go to sleep for a handful of hours just to start a new day.

I realized it has been 10 weeks since I left Virgina.  I miss it dearly.  I am homesick for the life I had over in Virginia, and memories pop up left and right, and I itch to sit down and have a deeply rooted conversation about a person's life and how God is a part of the madness.  Though I run with my arms wide open towards what I have now - a loving church and an amazing ministry with an amazing staff, a family and girlfriend whom I (try to) see once a month, and an abundance of love - i do look over my shoulder, wondering if I will have an opportunity to do Chaplaincy once again.  I miss my supervisor/fellow office chaplains, my peers who were residents and in the program.  I miss saying hi to medical staff, walking up and down the hospital, wearing a beeper, sitting in drug dependency group sessions, and just being in a room with a person.

But like I said, I am a better person.  Although I itch to have those deep conversations, I realize that I can read people a lot clearer and understand their emotions with some clarity.  I understand that my need to do stuff around the church is greater than my time or resources will always allow, and so my practice in self-care has been more important than ever.  And that my memories of Virginia will always be a source of inspiration, both in my ministries that I am doing now and in the future, as well as my faith journey to take the path that God leads you.

In response...

I wrote this email in response to an article written by Steve Lopez of the LA times

Hello Steve,

My name is Jon Visitacion, and currently I'm a High School Youth Coordinator/pastor for a church in the south bay.  This past Summer, I interned as a chaplain in a hospital setting and experienced being spiritually present with patients and loved ones going through some of the darkest times of their lives.

When I came back to my church, I gave a testimony about my experiences, which led to one of the church members handing me an article dated back on 7-17-11 titled "Floundering in the Dark" and dealt with the business of dying.  From your article, I can relate from the 'outside looking in' that dying is a bit more complicated in terms of emotions and finances.  I got to work with a hospital team called "palliative care" where all of the diagnoses and options of care were laid out on the table.  It is done in hopes that the patient and family's wishes are fulfilled to the best of their ability, being completely informed of each direction the doctors, nurses, and chaplains can go.  With that said, I saw a patient who, with the support of her family, requested to be brought back to life at all costs.  I couldn't imagine the cost that the family incurred by being in MICU for months or the multiple ER visits.

I guess that is all to say that I understand what you mean when you say the "business of dying." It is a business, and in your definition it is meant by the last few years/months/weeks/days that there is a cost, and as we age we do not prepare ourselves for the emotional or financial cost as we get closer and closer towards the end of our life.  Although we may not age well, we must try to make the attempts in whatever way we can. 

What gets people through the business of dying is the support of family, friends, and their faith.  Like how you wrote that your father fell to the ground and couldn't get up and then your mother laid beside him in the dark, we hope that there will be someone who holds us when we're alone in the dark.  I really appreciate the words you wrote, and will be keeping you in my prayers as you go through this journey with your father. 

Take care, and God Bless,

Jon

A reflection in music

All at once, the world can overwhelm you.

And you think that you have it under control but you realize that the ground you stand on isn't as firm as you thought it was, and you fall.  We keep asking ourselves if we're strong enough, but we change in midstream. 

To make the world better.
To make the people happier.
To make our lives easier.
To make the event more successful.

In light of the musical, amidst my frustrations, I think we get caught up in doing things better, simpler, faster, and from different perspectives, that we lose our own group understanding.  That's when the frustration comes: when people want to change, and others are not ready.  The change is for the common good, but if it was good already, there's no need to change.  All-in-all, the musical ran well.  The dinner ran well.  The youth, advisors, and adults did well.  The kitchen staff did well, and the cast did amazing.  And I got to hang out with my advisors.  And I got to thank my youth.  And I got to hang out with my youth. 

So eventhough i was frustrated, I really am grateful for what God has given us: through hardwork, we have dedication. Through time off, we have fellowship.  Through silly-ness, we have memories.  Through it all, we have music.

Thank you God, thank you Faith UMC, thank you youth, parents, advisors, adults, congregation and community. 

There's a world we've never seen
There's still hope between the dreams

Rain

Wait, did that just happen in socal on the first week of fall?

Yeah, it just rained.  I woke up to the sound of rain.  After all of the frustration I had last night, both internally and with whats going on in the musical, it was a blessing to hear it.  It was another trigger of Virginia, a reminder that would come every week or so.  That while it would be so hot that you couldn't breathe, there would come a day that the rains would come and cool down everything, and quench everyone's thirst.

The rain cooled me down, i'm not worried about today, wish i could have played in the rain but i was wearing nice clothes by then.  But, today will be a good day.

all at once

I'm still caught up by everything and it's tying with the stress of chaplaincy.  Probably one of those moments where my CPE program is transferring to what i'm doing now. 

I'm just not sure why i'm feeling similarities between the stress/uncomfortable feelings I had then and the stress/uncomfortable-ness I have now.  I just find myself listening to "all at once" by jack johnson with my face in my hands, wanting to release all the emotions I have.  But I shed no tears because I'm not sad.  Not angry.  I'm not calm or happy either at this moment. 

And so, I sit and pray, hoping God sheds some light onto my life, not that an answer will come down like a lightning bolt, but to be present. Present amidst my own struggles, and the mad rush of this musical.  Present in my life that is torn at the moment.  Present where I have three places to live but nowhere to call home at the moment.  Present in my relationship with Mika.  Present in the new adventures of work/church.  Present amidst my school loans. 

I guess I've been wanting to get that off of my chest for a while.  The stress of the musical and all of its "fun-ness" seems to have brought me back to a reality that I need God, and God has never left me. 

Amen to that.

Why are musicals so stressful?

Amidst trying to move and get ready for the new year, the church is throwing their annual musical performance.  And every year the cast does an amazing job, and have heard nothing but positive comments of the music and the performers. 

So why is everyone so stressed out? 

I look at everyone and they're not necessarily irritated, but just exhausted.  Burned out.

Just done.  With everything.

It bothers me, but I have no answer or no real reflection.  If you were to ask why people help, you would get a range of answers: I love to sing, I love to hear singing, I love to help the church, someone asked me to help out, it goes to a good cause, and I don't have anything better to do. 

I guess I'm torn between the benefits and the costs of this ministry.  Does it benefit everyone?  Does it cost everyone? I'm not sure I could say yes or no for either of these questions. 

Change for good

As I sit in the church watching the congregation get ready for their musical, one of the members began singing a song from Wicked...at least I think it was from wicked.  I latched onto the words of the chorus, which kept echoing the words, "change for good". 

It moved me, even though most of the change I was initially dealing with.  I have a sprained ankle and a pulled back, and I'm trying to move into an area which people have warned me about.  I'm trying to get back into the mood of doing youth work, but it's not transitioning well, as I've been trying to juggle the upcoming events for the HS youth group.

Change for good.  As much as I can complain about, I AM SO GRATEFUL.  I'm not afraid of the area, as I've been to places more ghetto in Fresno and I felt that there are places in Virginia could rival it.  My neighbors are nice and watch out for each other.  But most of all, I"M CLOSER TO WORK.  Work is getting more stressful because I'm given more tasks and more responsibilities.  It should be awesome!  Mika's coming down more cuz her sister Mari moved down! 

Change for good.  I am happy, counting my blessings, loving my loved ones, and reuniting with my youth.  Amen.

Closure

God, it's been two weeks since my CPE program, and the last time I blogged.  Most of the 7 day drive back home either had no internet, or I was too tired to make full sentences.  I plan to blog about that when I have more time, but let me just say it was awesome to see the youth mission team in Alabama and Rachael in Vegas, and a big THANK YOU to Chad for helping me drive back home to Los Angeles.

But when I got back home, I didn't feel like I was home.  I hugged part of my house when I got back, but then opened the door to find that my roommate was already in the process of moving.  I'm not irritated about him already packing, but when I saw all the boxes stacked in the house, my home didn't feel like home anymore.

I got to hang out with Mika and her mom and sister, and it was really nice to see my girlfriend and her family.  Mari (Mika's sis) was moving into the dorms that weekend, and so I got to spend time with Mika as much as I could.  I drove up to Fresno to see family and my nephew got bigger! he now mumbles, and my sis (Chari) wants me to play with him more so he can start calling me "uncle".  After spending two days with Mika and her family, then spending two days with my own family, I came back to my own house, realizing that between the boxes and my junk, I felt more comfortable being in my office.

It gave me reason to work on my sermon that I gave today, and I worked in my office, and then stayed overnight for two nights because of the amount of driving as well as the meetings I needed to be at church and that the water heater went out at my house.

So, as I wrote about my summer and how it felt being a chaplain, the meetings were great reunions.  It's amazing to just spend time with friends because that seemed to be a constant factor for my disconnect from being back home.  I had dinner with my roommate, which was really fun because we caught up on everything. 

So today, I gave my message.  I told many stories about what I did this past summer, what I saw, what I heard, and how God was working through it all.  My buddy Chad is trying to put it online so if he gets the sermon on the internet i'll pass it out to everyone because I was really proud of what I said.  I was really proud of what I did.  People tell me that I have a level of confidence that I never had before.  And some congregation members began telling me their valleys and "chaplain Jon" immediately kicked in. 

As I pack and get ready to move to my new place, I recognize that today was good closure to what is about to come soon.  I was afraid that my new identity would be lost, but it seems to be "merged" with who I was.  I am finally coming to the understanding that I did change, and am beginning to feel comfortable being in my own skin.  And I was welcomed with open arms by everyone: my girlfriend, family, roommate, friends, and  church members.

Thank you.

5 Hours

I finished my last paper and saw my last patient yesterday.  Today is a day for celebrating how much I grew for the past 10 weeks, and how much all of the Summer interns and graduating residents have been part of this hospital. 

Congratulations to Nancy and Ron for completing a year of residency, you were great mentors.

Congratulations to Curtis S., and I hope that you keep reaffirming your calling in Chaplaincy.

Congratulations to Courtney, and good luck in your travels abroad to the middle east.

Congratulations to Curtis B., and I hope that you and Mandy have a good one this year at seminary in S.C.

Congratulations to Barbara, and I wish you the best of luck in seminary this coming year in Gettysburg.

48 hours

I have two days left in my program.  Yeah.

So why am I frustrated?  I think it's because it's ending, and as all of us in the program have written evals and we were all supposed to read them.  So it may be a little lack of sleep.  It could also be that I'm pondering stuff back home: hotels, driving, money, sermon, AC, moving, 2nd job.

I ask that you pray for me tonight or whenever you read this.  Not that I feel bad or anything, maybe a lil cathartic (yeah, I just looked it up).  I got a lot out of the program, but I know I'm hard on myself and I think that is why I feel like this: that there may have been things I could have done better eventhough I did my best and no one second-guessed my ability, or the fact that time is out and whatever feelings I have should be pushed aside for the next thing, or the understanding that this opened new doors of opportunity and reflection that it's making me anxious with so many decisions.

Sometimes I find that it is hard to be ok with what I have done, or sit in gratefulness of what I've accomplished, or be content with some of the simple things I do.  I will tell you this, I don't regret one day in the CPE program or any of the difficult times I've had both inside and outside the hospital, because I am so proud and humbled by being in the room and being a witness of God's work in a patient's life.

Thoughts

This is my last week in the program.  In fact, three more days after this.  I've been packing and writing my final paper.  You may have heard that last friday was my last overnight at the hospital and I HAD NO CALLS!!!  Kinda amazing. 
I'm sad that the program is coming to an end.
I'm happy to go home.
I'm grateful that I could be with so many patients and see God being present with them.
I'm angry that I didn't see an alpaca.
I'm humbled that countless people have affirmed my calling into ministry.
I'm excited to get ready for next year in MYF.
I'm excited to bring what I learned back home.
I'm ready to make a difference.

Alpaca!?!?!

First off, I just wanted to say thank you for all the birthday wishes, and I appreciate you all and love you all.  Want to know what I did?  Well, inspired by Jessica, I went on an alpaca hunt and went to the zoo.  So I forgot that the zoo's were outside and it was hot on my birthday, so being the fool I was, I wore jeans outside.  Even more so than usual, I got a two-for-one on a chicken sandwich at a fast food joint and didn't want to leave it in the car or else it would spoil.  So for two hours, I walked around the Zoo looking for an alpaca in the hot sun wearing Jeans that had a hot chicken sandwich stuffed inside.  I saw, lions, tigers, BUT NO ALPACAS!!  The zoo lady even lied to me saying that they had a llama, but they didn't even have that.  I left in disarray, heading next to the Chrysler Museum.  I found a free admission ticket in my desk drawer and felt called to go.  Inside was a huge section of glassware, similar to what you see at amusement parks where you throw dimes on.  I am a fan of art, but I don't spend hours staring at it and I don't read all the comments and stuff.  I look, take a picture, and leave.  And that's what I did.  Oh, and they had a curious george exhibit, which was cool (btw, did you know that curious george actually had brothers and sisters?).  After that, it was around 5ish and I passed by a hat shop in a shady area of town.  So I went in and bought what i was looking for: a new ivy hat.  still not hungry for dinner, I drove as far east as I could to make it to the beach.  Didn't go in the water, can't swim with jeans and shoes on.  Felt awkward to be at the beach wearing that, so I left and went home.  Oh, and I did end up seeing an alpaca.  It was the next day, on TV.

Luck

So, this is the post where I'll talk about luck...

I'm not really a superstitious person, but I do notice things that would...freak other people out.  For example.  I drive by a house that owns 4-6 black cats.  Freaks me out every day because I don't want a "bad" day at the hospital...whatever that means.  You NEVER tell pepole that it seems quiet on the floor, because you jinx them later.

Amidst of all the superstition, I think of how lucky I am and have been throughout this program.  Sure, there's been tough times, but I've always had people looking out for me.  I had people supporting me both near and far.  I got to meet people who are struggling through life and still have faith in God.  I've seen miracles done by God on patients over many years, 2 hour alcohol-dependency group sessions, and in two minutes.  And that last one about the two minutes, the guy needed CPR for about 30 min.  The doctor asked the family if they could stop, the family said no.  The doctor gave his staff two more minutes and in those two min they were able to get his heart beating on its own.

Luck...
I'd rather call it a blessing...
a miracle...
God's presence...
faith...

Angry People

Today was the day for angry people.  They're kinda funny, because they're sometimes rediculous of the reasons why they're mad.  But you feel bad for those who have good reason to be mad. 

So I will talk about three angry patients I had today.  I will let you come to your own conclusions what made them angry and if they're valid.  I'll just tell you what I walked into.

Patient #1 was irate because of three major things.  First, they were mad that they waited for 7 hours in ER because ER and the floors were not communicating even though his regular doctor made an appt. for him to be admitted.  What made things worse is that the food in his words "sucks so bad that they shouldn't even call it food." His last argument was that nurses could actually say what they're doing without actually barging into the room and take blood like a vampire in the night.  I told him that I was sorry, I would pray that he goes home soon, and left.  Can't change the past, Can't cook food for him, and I am not the one with the needles.

Patient #2 was asleep...though her caretaker was telling me that she went all crazy on the nurses.  No exact details because she didn't actually witness the events, but it was wierd that she was perfectly normal the day before with no issues.  Her outburst was assumed to be associated with her dementia.  I told the caretaker that I was grateful for her presence now, and will be praying for her.

Patient #3 was calm although irritated to no end.  Why?  Similar to #1, with an issue with food and waiting for doctors and nurses to help them.  Why was she calm?  There was family in the room. 

Chaplaincy has a level of bedside manner that equates to "customer satisfaction."  Yes we report when staff do a bad job.  But hospital food is highly controlled...If you're a patient and you're sick, the first thing to control while your admitted are the things you put in your body.  ER waiting rooms are large because they accomodate a large number of people and therefore you wait a long time.  If you can make reservations through your doctor that is awesome.  But more than likely, triage nurses assess whether or not you can wait or not.  Sometimes the patient can't help it due to behavioral issues.  It's not exactly their fault, and so you have to be accepting of where they're coming from. 

Anger is an emotion, and not uncommon if the patient feels anxious, frustrated, or helpless due to the fact that they cannot fix your own body.  Truth is, just like those who have behavioral issues, it's not exactly their fault either and you have to be accepting of where they're coming from.  They're not always mad at you (though sometimes they are). 

Sometimes meeting them in their darkest moment is to accept the emotions that accompany them as well.

10

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.  My last two posts were last friday, and they were on facebook because I did my overnight and can't access my blog.  So please, go read them there, though i can cut and paste them here if you would like.

Thanks to Megan Yamamoto, the Masukanes and the Tondo's for the care packages.  Definitely it has gotten me out of Charlie Brown syndrome.  Probably as another update is that for those who were planning on mailing me stuff, I want to let you know that I'll be closing my mailbox on the 12th of next week, and trying to forward mail back to Torrance as early as the 10th. 

Well, how am I doing? glad you didn't ask that last week, because it was quite irritating.  I felt like I was making mistakes, and I was frustrated that I was learning office/department "policy" in the last three weeks of my internship.  God that made me mad.  Teach me that on the 3rd day, not the 3rd to last week.

I have 10 days left in the program, and 8 of them are working days.  At this moment, I like "Chaplain Jon" as a visible figure not only to patients, but to staff as well.  It's not that I don't feel comfortable...that could be a blog post in itself to describe how far I came.  But the hospital itself is so compartmentalized that it would be uncommon to know a staff member from another department and even more uncommon if they actually worked together.  But as a chaplain, I interact with the ICU, the regular floors, and the psych floors.  Sure, some of the nurses ignore me, but I don't mind because they're supposed to be busy and not focused on me.  But it is uplifting to know that you are referred to from the units you work with most.  I'm not afraid to step into a room with patients...because I learned that they're people too.  The only difference I have seen is that their brokeness has personified into something much more physical than everyone else.  But everyone is spiritual, everyone is trying to understand life, and everyone defines a higher power (even in those extreme cases where they define themselves as God.). 

So, How am I doing? I feel like a chaplain.  Some days are good, some are not, but the caring for others have never left.  I did not grow to "care" for others, but I understand the power of it and how it can be used to transform lives through God.  For that, I hope I never lose that sense of caring for others.

Dinner Party

Yesterday I was invited over to a dinner thrown by the parents of Curtis, a friend of mine in the CPE program. I had an amazing time with Curtis’ family: getting to meet his wife, his mother and father, his sister, his son and his wife and child, and a couple whom I wasn’t sure if they were neighbors or close friends. In any case, for two hours, I shared a dinner with them and got to know their family and how they interacted with one another. It completely reminded me of my own family back home and things that I miss.




Here’s an example: they have a dog named Buttons who is full of energy. Totally reminds me of my sister’s dogs, Kobe and Roxy…Mika’s dog Suki…and even Kyle’s dogs Nike and Radar.



This has been the first time in 9 weeks that I’ve felt some taste of home. I liked it. And because of that, I miss it. Aside from those feelings, what I felt most is sense of belonging that I haven’t felt since I’ve been back. I now feel like I belong in the CPE program – like I sorta know what I’m doing and won’t panic if I make a mistake. But what I’m talking about is a sense of belonging for being “Jon”. And although I do connect with people very intimately and personally every day in the hospital, I’ve been missing the connections and relationships with people outside of work. Luckily we live in a modern age of cell phones and Facebook/Google+/Skype, you can’t take them to movies or to burger king or even just to get gas across the street.



So, I just wanted to say, thank you to Curtis and his parents, Ron and Joyce (sorry if I'm spelling this wrong!) for allowing me into your home for a dinner that was well appreciated. Not just for the food (BECAUSE I AM A MAN WHO LIVES TO EAT), but also because of the company, the warmth, and the acceptance.

Week 7 part 2

Although the title is named after Harry Potter, that's as far as it goes.

For me this week, I feel like I have been at a crossroads of many things.  For me, this is the ending of my 7th week in the CPE program.  Homesickness hit me a little bit.  Getting in the groove of being a chaplain a little bit.  I was asked today by Frances, one of my mentor staff chaplains, "what's something that you are going to take back with you when you're done with the program?" 

I answered, but eventually boiled it down to this:

"I'm going to take home the people." 

I'm  changed by listening to the lives of others, by hearing joys, fears, frustrations, and anger in their hearts from the past and present.  I looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself.  This week I have felt homesick, saddened, empathetic, frustrated (driving...), and confused.  This week I was told I was the "cute chaplain" by another patient, I felt respected and now recognized by the nurses, and I was complimented by the other chaplains. 

I am happy that I'm doing well.  I am sad that I'm not home.  I'm frustrated that my calling seems to be more and more complex.  I'm humbled by seeing God work wonders in people's lives both physically and spiritually. 

Aside from all this, God's presence is in me and also in others.  The interactions that I've had with patients and family members...nurses and doctors, mentors and peers... all of them were interactions with the Spirit working in the room. 

Call me insightful, confused, enlightened, humbled, right, wrong, a leader, a follower, a servant, a listener, a storyteller.  I am all of them.  I am whatever God will work best through.  I am who I am.

Week 7

Week 7...crazy eh? 

I've been in this CPE program for 6 weeks, been gone from LA for the past 8 weeks...

24 days until I drive home but who's counting?  :)

I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to get home.  I think i'll mail back my books and clothes...and now i'm in non-food purchases until everything is gone. 

BTW, to everyone who's sent me letters and packages, thank you very much :)  I jump up and down in the post office like a little school girl every time I get something.

Harry Potter

So I got out of my shell and went to go watch Harry Potter by myself. I didn't want to sit with huge crowds, so I forked out the extra dough to go watch it in 3D. It was good, as it ended the Harry Potter series, and now feel inspired to actually go and read the books.



But as I left the theater, I was not exactly thinking to myself, "wow that was an epic movie" or "why does Hermoine keep hugging Harry Potter if she likes Ron?" I left the theater kinda sad, probably from a combination of watching the movie and reflecting on my work. You see a person die in the movie, it reminded me of seeing a person die in real life. In essense, I felt the same emotions I did when I'm called into patients rooms to talk about a crisis.



It happens to everyone within their own context. When I was in HS in band, I could take any song and put notes to it. When I started being a camp counselor in college, I would be able to make games from junk. When I became a youth advisor, I would be able to make youth lessons from cartoons and TV. When I started to learn how to be a pastor, I could imagine sermons, prayers, and talks.



As I enter into this new context, I see that it makes sense to feel these things and associate them together. A death is a death, a loss is a loss, and grief in the movie is still grief.

Gratitude for Nurses

I sat with a patient today watching her give medicine to a patient through a feeding tube directly to his stomach.

I was in awe...for the fact that the nurse knew exactly how to measure, and stick the syringe in the patient, but the fact that she did not once squirm, flinch, make faces, or say any awkward comments.

Stereotypically considered to be a "women's" profession, I clearly doubt any understanding of knowing this. Not only I have seen many male nurses (I know at least three off the top of my head who I consider to be family, and one who is family) who are good at what they do.  I have also seen many of the tasks that nurses do...many of which I would never ever categorize it as a "women's" chore.

To anyone reading this who is NOT a nurse or a med tech for that matter...

I dare you to try to clean up "foreign matter" off the ground.
I dare you to try to stick a needle into people over, and over, and over.
I dare you to not get freaked out by sticking your hand into the crotch of a 300lb patient to see if they have a pulse. 
I dare you to wash a stranger.
I dare you to convince a patient for a life-saving technique when not only the patient, but the patient's family says no.
I dare you to do chest compressions/CPR on a person by yourself for 10 min.
I dare you to try to put up with doctors, family members, and anyone else while still trying to keep a smile for the patient.

So thank you nurses in hospitals, ambulances, senior homes, military branches, homes, and other places.  Thank you for dealing with obnoxious patients.  Thank you for cheering us up when we don't want to go to the hospital.  Thank you for taking care of us, even if we do meet on bad circumstances.  Thank you for giving us meds when we need them, and running to our rescue, even if that means we need a pillow or a blanket.  Thank you for being there when we needed you most, even if that means bringing us back from the dead. 

Charlie Brown Syndrome

haha, what a ironic world...

So about the 1-2 week here, I bought a mailbox, just to separate my mail from the rest of the house, and to just to make sure that my mail was safe since I wouldn't be home most of the day.  I paid an amt for about twice the length I was going to be here, because 6 months was the shortest length of time.  It was fine. 

I've been telling everyone...everyone not to mail me any packages.  I appreciate all the love and everything, but there's two things I possibly could need over here.  First is food, and I have access to food and it would cost way too much to send me food, so yeah, that doesn't make too much sense.  The second is that eventually in about a month, I will be driving back home, and I will have to figure out a way how to get everything back to LA.  It was cramped already driving back home...

But I have charlie brown syndrome.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch the old cartoons when Charlie brown is looking in his mailbox for a valentines care or a christmas card...nothing is ever found in the mail box.  I only check my mailbox twice a week, and I don't expect anything in my mail box...and when I drive up to the post office, look for box 7813, I get out my key, turn the lock, and.........

nothing.

I go home.

I shouldn't say that I haven't gotten anything, Mika has sent me a package from Minnesota that cracked me up.  I'm just saying that Charlie Brown Syndrome comes from two major factors.  One is just missing home.  The other is paying almost $40 for a PO box.  haha...I don't know exactly what to say other than the fact that I put this on myself, and just thought you would get a kick out of it.  And don't get me wrong, no one did anything wrong, i'm not forgotten, lot of ppl have been in contact with me.

It's just this stupid mail box is something that raises up my hopes and crushes it every time I get there!

:)

Exhale

So last Friday on my usual overnighter at the hospital, I experienced the hardest on-call night I ever had to deal with.  I was called to 4 code blues (situations where a patient has gone into cardiac arrest) for three different people.  I only got 2.5 hours of sleep that night. 

It is the spiritual care dept. policy for every chaplain to go to every death in the hospital and every code blue on your units assigned.  On nights you are staying overnight, you go to every death and code blue in the entire hospital.  Most of the time it's good, but some times the nights are rough, as it was this past Friday.

I say this because the last two code blues, the patients were put on ventilators (breathing assistance).  When their family finally came to the hospital, they explained to the doctors and nurses that the patients never wanted to be placed on life-saving machines, including ventilators. 

So that morning, after the 4 code blues, I was there to witness 2 deaths.  But this morning was much different as well, because I stood there with the family as one of the patients were extubated (ventilator tubes pulled out), and the patient's breathing slowly stopped on their own.  I have been present during a code blue to witness a death, but never in the room to actually watch a person die.  It was every emotion that you could think of: joy in celebrating the life of the patient, sorrow in seeing the end of a life, anger of the abruptness of losing a loved one and not being able to do anything, grateful to hold their hands in their last few moments of life, and just shock due to the reality of the situation.  It was beautiful.  It was frustrating.  It was a moment in which God could only be present, acting in the situation, feeling all of these emotions, and supporting everyone. 

One of the philosophies I teach to everyone is just to breathe.  I realize that it holds more weight than I could ever expect.

Suffering

So, with chaplaincy comes a few topics that you have to explore and wrestle with.  One of those topics is suffering.  No body likes it, and if you do, please see a psychiatrist. 

But seriously, in a hospital, you see a lot of people in pain and with pain comes suffering.  Whether it is physical or emotional.  As a chaplain, I will tell you first and foremost that you cannot make the pain go away.  But as a chaplain, you can be with them to show them that they are not alone.  In a more religious understanding, you cannot tell a patient that God WILL perform a miracle in the next 5 min.  But you can tell them that God is with them and suffering with them and is trying to help them through the darkest moment of their lives. 

Why?

Because even though God is capable of performing miracles, God has always been a God of relationships, which includes being there when you need God most.  And when it comes to suffering, no one else understands it better than God.

You wish you can do everything for the patient.  You wish you could make all the pain go away.  To some extent, it is possible...not in a flash or a miracle (please let God do what God does best)...but through smiles...and jokes... and memories of loved ones and good times...and prayer...and holding hands while praying...and hugs...and tears...and reminding them that God is still present at the bed side and in the waiting room.

Exhaustion

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, been busy with other things that I'll talk about sometime next week.  But to sum it all up since last week it has been this sort of feeling.

Exhaustion.

You have no idea about the sense of exhaustion you go through spiritually, emotionally, and physically every day.  It's not hard, but the job as a chaplain is demanding because you are always there for another person.  which means that you don't focus on yourself.  Sometimes it means putting on a smile when you don't feel like it (though I've never experienced that because i smile at everything).  Sometimes it means feeling the same emotions your patients are going through.  Sometimes it means going from one end of the hospital to another.  The focus not on one's self always puts you in a place to always give yourself to others, and always placing you in a trajectory towards exhaustion.

The first day we were told that for extroverts you will be exhausted by the emotions, the amount of people you have to talk to and sometimes deal with, the suppression of your own triggers of memories/emotions, etc.

I'm not an extrovert...i'm an introvert (high level), which means that all this drains me quicker. 

People ask me how i'm doing, I tell them I'm tired.  Which is true, but not in a bad way, I tell people that it is good to be tired because it means you did something which was probably meaningful.

But I must watch out for exhaustion because it will lead to me being burned out.  and i've felt it for the past week or so.  I feel like i can get into a schedule, and then a code blue or a death comes up and puts me behind. 

I just need to slow down, breathe, take my full lunch, rest, relax, and be ok with not getting through the entire list.  This is the advice given to me by the resident chaplains, Nancy, Ron, and Joy, as well as Chaplain Francis. 

Why CPE?

If you have been reading this blog regularly, you may be asking yourself "Jon, why do this?" Simply stated, it's not easy, definitely draining, and tough to do on a daily basis.  But, it is my calling, and I was never asking for it to be easy or comfortable or relaxing.

Today was the roughest day that I've had in my program.  I was present with a family all morning while they followed their mother's wishes and pulled her off of the ventilator.  I sat/stood with the daughter who was only 17 yrs old...reminded me of all of my youth kids back home...as she reminisced about how she fought with her mother about little things, how her mother won't be there to see her graduate from high school, or just support her while she grows up a little more.  But this young woman was mature enough to know that her mother has been in physical pain for the past few years and knew that this was for the best.  I told her that it was normal to blame yourself but in the end you won't be ok...you won't get over it tomorrow...because I know that your mom was everything to you...but you will get better and stronger.

The afternoon I was called in for another death in my unit, as I stood by in support of the family mourning over the loss of their loved one.  The son came up to me and told me "God bless you Jon, I will keep you in my prayers...take care brother."  I shook his hand, gave him a hug and told him, "likewise brother, as families in Christ stick together."

Pulled in many directions and just feeling wrung out by all of the emotions in the last two days, I was asked to see a patient.  This patient was the very first patient I met and prayed with in the program.  Even though he was at the hospital for three weeks, I thought at times that he was going to pass away.  But seeing him go from not speaking, to barely waking up in MICU, to then sitting up in bed, to sitting up in a chair in regular clothes, I was truly amazed to see how God worked in his life for the past few weeks through doctors, nurses, family members, and friends.  After shooting the breeze with him, I said a prayer of thanksgiving and blessing with him along with his wife and daughter, and saw him leave the hospital.  The day before he left, he told me that miracles do exist.  I told him today that he was living proof that miracles do exist.

Why CPE?  Why learn how to be a chaplain in a hospital?  It's because you learn why you believe.  You learn how to be in the darkest moments of the lives of others when it may eat you up inside because they need someone to tell them that God is there with them.  You learn how to be less awkward when people are real with you.  But most importantly you learn that you go in there so that God can help others through you.  I'm learning that more and more.  and as much as I felt I was put through the ringer today...I am so glad I was there to be a pastoral presence for those families who lost their loved ones.  I am so grateful to be that spiritual tool for God to use.  And I am very honored to be there to share joys and sorrows with others. 

Feeling Blue

So, one of the things that chaplains must do for their unit is that when a code BLUE is called, all chaplains responsible for that particular unit must check in with the charge nurse.  This is in case of the fact that if a patient passes during a code blue, you can be there to provide support for the staff, the patient's family, and for the deceased.

Today for my first code blue that I had to be present.  Luckily, the patient didn't pass away, but for me this was a new experience to see something like this.  I stuck around at the suggestion of other chaplains, and got to meet the husband, who was nice and fairly calm about the situation...In all honesty I wonder now if he even knew.  I left because I felt that the husband needed some space to let others know what is going on, but I stayed with him while the doctors and nurses asked him questions.  I prayed for both of them. and continue to pray for all of them and the other patients I visit/have visited.

Hawaiian food in Virginia

Ok, so I was craving hawaiian food tonight.  I looked for a hawaiian food place earlier with no luck, then i found one by accident.  It's a "Ono Hawaiian BBQ" place, which is more popular in socal so I was expecting the same quality.

You may guess where I'm going with this...

The door has many awards posted on it, but what I begin to notice is that they have won the award not for best restaurant or hawaiian food, but "Chinese".

Yup, This particular "Ono Hawaiian BBQ" serves Hawaiian food AND chinese food.  Still doesn't deter me from eating here this father's day evening.  So I order a Curry chicken plate which they give me fried wonton skins and salad dressing as an appetizer (wasn't bad at all, so no complaints).  And they bring out a full order of the chicken katsu and a huge bowl of curry.  I thought to myself, this is awesome...until I tried the curry sauce.  For those who don't know the differences between curry, this was not hawaiian curry, which is similar to Japanese curry except more milder.  This curry was more on par with thai curry, because it had coconut milk and pineapple.  It wasn't bad at all.  But it wasn't what I was expecting. 

Tied into this understanding is a level of culture clash that I have mentioned but not like this exactly.  So like, they have these stores like "dollar general" and "family dollar" except they're not really dollar stores.  Virginians have their own accent, which is subtly different from a "southern" or a "northern" accent.  And the correct way to say Portsmouth and Norfolk sounds like "Portsmith" and "Nor(*bleep*)".  I can't come to terms actually saying it how it is supposed to be pronounced so I still sound like a foreigner.  The best thing over here other than the people are the gas prices...I don't know how much you're paying down on the west coast, but I filled up my car paying 3.59/gal.

Aside from things i've noticed and all the things I've experienced, please know that I still miss home.  Thank you very much to those who have been checking up on me to make sure I'm ok.  I'll be alright, but just know that I miss you all. 

What to say...

Last night was my first night staying overnight at the hospital.  The spiritual care dept. tries to provide 24 hr access on the weekdays for those who are dealing with a spiritual crisis or just need a pastoral presence for whatever they're going through.  Last night was a particularly quiet night, which was good for me to "ease" in to the feeling of staying overnight at the hospital.

After 3 hrs of sleep on a recliner sofa, I woke up bored after taking a shower and waiting for the rest of the hospital to wake up.  But as I stared at my computer screen, the custodian walked by.  We've talked before as she has been in charge of our floor.  But this morning we actually had a conversation about our calling in life, as she asked me what brought me to become a pastor.

I answered her by saying that my calling was based in a faith community where there was/is/will be a need, and my gifts, talents, and passion complement that need.  She thought about that and then gave me her spin on this.  She comes from a place where she couldn't pinpoint what she was good at, as she excelled in everything.  She has a degree but has never used it.  She has three kids and does not have the time or energy to explore what God really wants her to do.  But the most important part is that she knows that God is not calling her to be a custodian, because she hates her work.

I didn't know how to respond, so I continued to listen to what she has to say.  She understands that with a calling comes a level of patience, and maybe this is a lesson to learn.  She believes in God and is a church goer, but between being busy and her frustrations, she feels out of place.  I wanted to tell her that her calling is in her children, or that her calling will come soon, but I felt that she has heard people say this to her.  In the end, I just said that God calls everyone towards something, and its always changing.  She agreed with me on that, and we talked about other things from that point onward. 

I hope that she finds her calling.  I don't think it will be a burning bush, though it would be helpful.  But I hope that God does move her in her life to be spiritually inspired.

The last two days...

I would like to talk about the last two days. 

I was going to post about yesterday, but in light of what I'm about to talk about, I decided to wait for some of the graduations to pass. 

With that said, in the last two days, I have witnessed two major things to see how God works in their lives.

One was a death.  One of my patients had a rough night to say the least, and the family was upset.  I tried to look for them after I sat with the doctors and nurses, but couldn't find them to talk.  I was in the office area when I got the call from another chaplain saying that the patient died, and when I arrived, the family just arrived.  They asked both I and the other chaplain to leave the room, and they mourned over their loved one.  We both waited at the door, giving comfort as a pastoral presence.  They left, and I prayed over the loved one's body.

The other story was another call for the chaplain for a patient who was about to die.  We got upstairs and the family was getting ready and saying their goodbyes.  There was a mini crowd of family members, and we filled the room with chairs.   After many others came to share their gratitude for the patient, their pastor said an amazing prayer, in which I as well as the full-time chaplain waited outside to help with anything but to also give space for the family.  I stood outside while they took the patient off of the respirator, and I heard sobbing, and people falling/fainting.  I walked out with some of the family members to the nearby lounge/waiting area.  After some time, we hear word that the patient is breathing on their own, and they will be transferred to a larger room to accomodate the 12+ member family sitting bedside.  To my knowledge, the patient was stable when I left the office around 5:40pm.  One of the comments that adds to the story is that the patient is a fighter; a stubborn one who won't give up.  And I saw that today as I watched through the patient's window and stood by with the family.

I bring these two stories up because they are both signs of God's love eventhough they have two different outcomes.  It's not that God loves one less, but it's not also that we'll ever fully understand how and why God did what God did. I heard a story today from another chaplain who said that when loved ones pass away and we are not there to say our goodbyes, it is God's way of alleviating that pain of saying goodbye, and that it is time for the deceased to return to God.  I believe that, but I will tell you that it is hard to stand in front of it and tell it like it is.  As for the other story about the patient continuing to fight on for life, there is something miraculous within the presence of God through those who believe.  The above story from the chaplain does not fit at all with the second story, and yet it is still an act of grace and mercy of God. 

I've been working as a chaplain for about 9 days, and yesterday was the first death I have experienced.  Today was the first time I stood by a family on the edge of losing a loved one.  Within these two different outcomes, I can still see God working in the lives of the patients and the family and friends who stood by them. 

I took the rest of the afternoon lightly, and hoped the best in prayer for the one patient still fighting for their life.

Class of 2011

To the MYF Graduating class of 2011,

I know that today was graduation sunday at Faith UMC, and it marks the first major events that I miss due to being on the east coast.  I asked some of you to speak in front of the congregation, but because I couldn't be there in person, I did ask Chad to see if I could listen or possibly watch you give your faith testimonies.  I heard Darin talk about how his musicianship really was inspired through the church, and for Jonathan to talk about how he wouldn't really cry on stage but acknowledge that real men do cry.  And I saw Derek be strong and tall standing up and speaking in front of the congregation.  I saw Janey be grateful for the support that the church has given her in her life.  And finally, I saw Andrew well dressed for the occasion but also grateful for the church providing opportunities for camps and leadership opportunities. 

With that said, I think the congregation really appreciated the words you all spoke, but also the words that you didn't speak as well, as I only was not able to ask all of you and there possibly could have been much more to say.  The church has seen you grow if not for the past four years, but for your entire life to be mature adults (well, close to "mature" at least).  By you going to church, they have seen how God has worked in your lives and it means a lot to them.  Most of all, I am proud to have seen you grow in the youth group, watching how God has moved your lives to become leaders and role-models for the next generation. 

Thank you seniors for the silliness, the dumb jokes, the randomness, and the love.  Thank you for being the ones who led the way for the other MYFers and not completely scaring off the advisors.  I miss you all very very very much, and wish I could be home right now to hug you guys for those who did a good job speaking and to congratulate every Senior at their graduation from grade school.  Good luck on your future endeavors, and I hope that God continues to work in your lives.

Jon

The Law of Buy-in

So our CPE director wanted us to read a chapter titled, "The Law of Buy-in" which I used google to figure out that it comes from John C. Maxwell's book The 21 Irrefutible laws of Leadership. Basically, the leader comes before the vision...and that vision revolves around moving the people where they need to go. 

It's my second day visiting patients and my first day on my own.  It's no where near as bad as I heard, though I won't lie that I fear the "horror" stories on the nights that I will be on-call.  Aside from learning procedures and making sure I see patients, the patient really gets a few initial impressions of their Chaplain. 

That means your perceived image is everything when you step into that room.  That includes body language, the clothes you wear, the things you say, the smile on your face, the smell of your breath, and the attitude/demeanor you bring. 

It works for you and against you.  Maxwell alludes that as a chaplain, patients already buy in to the idea that you are a spiritual leader and you're there to help them.  It can work against you in certain situations: they aren't the same spiritual afiliation/denomination as you, the same age as you, etc.  It is when your tone of voice, your understanding of the situation, and your professionalism is what completes the view of a Chaplain. 

But it is all to say that our job as a chaplain is not to prove we are chaplains, but to give help and guidance that the people need.  I sat down with many people today listening to their stories and just reaffirming their lives in some cases and asking the right questions in others. 

Getting my feet wet

Today we walked on the floor.  Today and tomorrow I follow Joy who is a resident intern and is just amazing both in her care and as a person.  I was handed a list of patients on the floors I was assigned, and Joy helped me introduce myself to everyone while giving me a tour as well as what floors/units she was assigned to.  

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I really had a good time.  Fumbled a little because I wasn't ready to say a few prayers, but all-in-all, it wasn't too bad.  too bad at all actually, because I wasn't alone.  And i mean that in the sense of following Joy, but also that the patients were wanting to know who I was too.  And I also mean that God was right there with me. 

I think that for the past few days I've been psyching myself out thinking that I would freeze up and just be in a state of shock.  I assume that it will happen sometime down the road, but at least for now, I thought to myself "I can do this" or "this is exciting" but always "There is no way I could do this without God."

(Dis)orientation day

I started my first day today, and it was overwhelming.  The good kind of overwhelming, because it is the verge of starting.  We learned a basic overview of what CPE is (clinical pastoral education), and what the program entails.  I won't just be walking around the hospital.  I'll be assigned a certain number of patient beds, and spend time with patients within the behavioral medicine.  I told a few of you that I would possibly be working with teens in behavioral medicine, but it may actually be with those dealing with addiction or any adult patient within the behavioral medicine. 

As we went through the day trying to get a feel for the program and a feel for those who will be watching over us as well as those within the program.  As the director spoke, I began to ask myself, "what did I just get myself into?" because it's real ministry...I don't want to say the wrong words and scare people in their faith or be yelled at because I offended someone or represent my denomination in a bad way. 

I went running today to clear my mind.  I know right? I don't run, and I don't run in this heat, but I did because it was a lot.  As I ran and afterwards when I got home, I began to understand something of my own faith that gave me comfort.  I remembered two things that the director said - the first was that we as spiritual care pastors is to learn how to meet someone in their own valley, in reference to Psalm 23's Valley of the shadow of death.  We figure our own way how to get into that valley without backing out and without understanding how the other person got there and without ever going there previously.  We represent that connection with God to that person in need, and you can't fail at that.  I'm not sure who said this, but they said that failure is not counted by wins or losses, but by failing to try in the first place.  And I'm willing to go in that valley.  I traveled 2800 miles to get into that valley. 

The second thing that the director said was in response to what i said about doing services and stuff.  He said that he's excited to see what I will do WHEN it happens.  I thought about it...and admitted that I am too.  10 weeks of meeting with people in need and in their darkest times, and the care that I bring them is a representation of what I personify and/or bring to the table.  In other words, I bring my experiences, readings, assignments, youth/camp work, and my understanding of God to each patient I give care.  It works for me and against me, but that is what the next 10 weeks are about. 

Honestly, the most overwhelming thing about the day: trying to figure out where I am in the hospital. 

One week in Virginia

So, after being here in Portsmouth for one week, I've learned many things about myself, the house(mates), the town(s), 

Let's start with the house.  I'll be leaving out the names of everyone for safety reasons, but I have 3 housemates, one of which is the owner.  The two other roommates I rarely see (I met one on the 3rd day I was here, and the other on the 5-6th day).  The owner however is awesome - he collects antique Christmas decorations pre-1950.  To get an understanding of the house, the house is decked out with vintage Christmas stuff.  The owner owns a long-haired chihuahua, and both spend a majority of their day on the second floor of the house (which has its own kitchen!).  Everyone in the house is cool, and does their own thing.

Portsmouth is an interesting town/community.  I've hinted to it, but i'll just say it...It's not the greatest town, but apparently it's getting better.  I won't jog into the neighborhood, but I may take a walk near the waterbank.  Portsmouth is part of a community of towns known as the Hampton Roads.  It fulfills towns like Norfolk, Virginia Beach, Ghent, Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, etc.  but all the towns are separated by water practicaly and you have to go over bridges or tunnels --> aka, traffic can suck.  I've ventured into most of these towns and have used my GPS to find Costco, Target, and Filipino/Hawaiian food.  There's two things you should know.  First is that Norfolk has the largest naval base in the world --> there is a lot of people in the military over here.  The second is that there is no restrictions/limitations placed on truck drivers --> truck drivers think that they own the road.  I almost got into a car accident because a truck driver just merged into my lane...and then had the nerve to tell me to get the hell out of the way...Let it be known that I appreciate CA's laws on truck drivers, because they shouldn't drive as fast as the rest of the nation.  Oh, one last thing.  Portsmouth runs on Wal-mart.  no question.  If you need anything, the best place to go is Walmart. 

Which brings me to me.  I learned that i'm comfortable not wearing shoes in the house, but there being a dog and three housemates that do wear shoes, I don't take them off outside my room.  I don't like sitting around doing nothing, and will try to get out of the house even if that means walking aimlessly around Wal-mart.  I learned how to hem pants for the last two days, remembering what my mom taught me, as well as youtube, and making it up as I go along.  But one thing I learned about myself is that I do have difficulty adjusting to new places.  The day my dad left, i did wander aimlessly in Walmart not because I was bored but because I didn't know exactly what to do other than go home.  And most of this week I've been either sleeping in my room, buying things I need for the next 10 weeks, talking to friends back home, working on church stuff, or playing video games (THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO BOUGHT ME STARCRAFT 2).  And if it wasn't anything of that, it was thinking about what I'm going to do when I go home. 

Boredom does have it's curses I suppose. 

Luckily I start my program tomorrow, and I bought a TV to keep my company while i'm at home...most of these feelings will subside for the time being.  Thanks again for your support and love and prayers, I will let you all know how my first day works out tomorrow.

Jon

Settling down

So after a couple of days living in Portsmouth, I thought I would share with you what my room looks, since I don't really leave too much because IT IS SO HOT.  you can see pics with comments of my room here, which is just a room, but the cool part of it is that it has 6 doors.  Apparently, this room was originally made to be the dining room...100 years ago.  that's why one room led to the living room (now the dining room), the front door (now barricaded), the outside patio (not barricaded but suggested not to use because of the security system), and the kitchen (which is now transformed into another bedroom and the door is permanently screwed in).  Read the comments to the pics, it gives you a better idea and I don't want to type this twice. 

Driving from California to Virginia

Hi!  I'm bringing back my blog to talk about this Summer as a pastoral intern across the country.  I've traveled over 2800 miles by car to get over here, and in about 4 days I will start my program.  Until then, I just wanted to leave a post to describe the things I've noticed on the drive to Virginia.  Every day, my dad and I took turns driving in shifts.  We drove through every type of terrain and every type of weather, stayed in motels that were nice, not so nice, and the kind where you triple-check the door to make sure it's locked.  Below are random facts, but I'll have to get the gas mileage and the MPG some other day.  BTW, my pics of the roadtrip are on facebook.  Also, if you have a skype account, my screenname is jvisitacion.  Thanks!

Freeways primarily drove on: I-70, and I-64
Number of days: 6
Longest period of driving in one day: 12 hrs
Shortest period of driving in one day: 1.5 hrs
Notable Places we ate: Thelma's Filipino Cuisine (Henderson/Las Vegas, NV), Smokey's BBQ (Denver, CO), Arthur Bryant's BBQ (Kansas City, MO), Casa Gallardo (St. Louis, MO), Steak and Shake (St. Louis, MO), White Castle (St. Louis, MO), China Inn (Lexington, KY), Tamarack Food Court (Off of I-64, WV), Mexico Restaurant (Richmond, VA), Susanette's Filipino Cuisine (Virginia Beach, VA).
Best thing I ate:  Smokey's BBQ, Thelma's, Susanette's, Arthur Bryant's, Steak and Shake, White Castle, Tamarack Food Court.
Worst thing(s) I ate: Quality Inn continental breakfast (Lexington, KY)
The state that had the most diverse driving conditions: Colorado
The state that had the worst "welcome" sign: Missouri
The state that had the most wild animal sightings: Kansas
The state that had the most road kill: Kansas
The sate that had the goriest road kill: Kansas
The state we stayed in the shortest: Arizona (45 min)
What California has that no other state had on this trip: restricted mileage for truckers (it's scary seeing a semi driving 75mph)
What every other state has except California: Decent rest stops with stall doors that are not lined with graffiti
The coldest temp: 30's
The hottest temp: 90's
Places we visited: Cabela's outdoor/hunting store (CO and MO), Bass Pro Fishing Store (CO and MO), St. Louis Arch (MO), Santa Claus, IN, Tamarack Artesian Center (WV)