Closure

God, it's been two weeks since my CPE program, and the last time I blogged.  Most of the 7 day drive back home either had no internet, or I was too tired to make full sentences.  I plan to blog about that when I have more time, but let me just say it was awesome to see the youth mission team in Alabama and Rachael in Vegas, and a big THANK YOU to Chad for helping me drive back home to Los Angeles.

But when I got back home, I didn't feel like I was home.  I hugged part of my house when I got back, but then opened the door to find that my roommate was already in the process of moving.  I'm not irritated about him already packing, but when I saw all the boxes stacked in the house, my home didn't feel like home anymore.

I got to hang out with Mika and her mom and sister, and it was really nice to see my girlfriend and her family.  Mari (Mika's sis) was moving into the dorms that weekend, and so I got to spend time with Mika as much as I could.  I drove up to Fresno to see family and my nephew got bigger! he now mumbles, and my sis (Chari) wants me to play with him more so he can start calling me "uncle".  After spending two days with Mika and her family, then spending two days with my own family, I came back to my own house, realizing that between the boxes and my junk, I felt more comfortable being in my office.

It gave me reason to work on my sermon that I gave today, and I worked in my office, and then stayed overnight for two nights because of the amount of driving as well as the meetings I needed to be at church and that the water heater went out at my house.

So, as I wrote about my summer and how it felt being a chaplain, the meetings were great reunions.  It's amazing to just spend time with friends because that seemed to be a constant factor for my disconnect from being back home.  I had dinner with my roommate, which was really fun because we caught up on everything. 

So today, I gave my message.  I told many stories about what I did this past summer, what I saw, what I heard, and how God was working through it all.  My buddy Chad is trying to put it online so if he gets the sermon on the internet i'll pass it out to everyone because I was really proud of what I said.  I was really proud of what I did.  People tell me that I have a level of confidence that I never had before.  And some congregation members began telling me their valleys and "chaplain Jon" immediately kicked in. 

As I pack and get ready to move to my new place, I recognize that today was good closure to what is about to come soon.  I was afraid that my new identity would be lost, but it seems to be "merged" with who I was.  I am finally coming to the understanding that I did change, and am beginning to feel comfortable being in my own skin.  And I was welcomed with open arms by everyone: my girlfriend, family, roommate, friends, and  church members.

Thank you.

5 Hours

I finished my last paper and saw my last patient yesterday.  Today is a day for celebrating how much I grew for the past 10 weeks, and how much all of the Summer interns and graduating residents have been part of this hospital. 

Congratulations to Nancy and Ron for completing a year of residency, you were great mentors.

Congratulations to Curtis S., and I hope that you keep reaffirming your calling in Chaplaincy.

Congratulations to Courtney, and good luck in your travels abroad to the middle east.

Congratulations to Curtis B., and I hope that you and Mandy have a good one this year at seminary in S.C.

Congratulations to Barbara, and I wish you the best of luck in seminary this coming year in Gettysburg.

48 hours

I have two days left in my program.  Yeah.

So why am I frustrated?  I think it's because it's ending, and as all of us in the program have written evals and we were all supposed to read them.  So it may be a little lack of sleep.  It could also be that I'm pondering stuff back home: hotels, driving, money, sermon, AC, moving, 2nd job.

I ask that you pray for me tonight or whenever you read this.  Not that I feel bad or anything, maybe a lil cathartic (yeah, I just looked it up).  I got a lot out of the program, but I know I'm hard on myself and I think that is why I feel like this: that there may have been things I could have done better eventhough I did my best and no one second-guessed my ability, or the fact that time is out and whatever feelings I have should be pushed aside for the next thing, or the understanding that this opened new doors of opportunity and reflection that it's making me anxious with so many decisions.

Sometimes I find that it is hard to be ok with what I have done, or sit in gratefulness of what I've accomplished, or be content with some of the simple things I do.  I will tell you this, I don't regret one day in the CPE program or any of the difficult times I've had both inside and outside the hospital, because I am so proud and humbled by being in the room and being a witness of God's work in a patient's life.

Thoughts

This is my last week in the program.  In fact, three more days after this.  I've been packing and writing my final paper.  You may have heard that last friday was my last overnight at the hospital and I HAD NO CALLS!!!  Kinda amazing. 
I'm sad that the program is coming to an end.
I'm happy to go home.
I'm grateful that I could be with so many patients and see God being present with them.
I'm angry that I didn't see an alpaca.
I'm humbled that countless people have affirmed my calling into ministry.
I'm excited to get ready for next year in MYF.
I'm excited to bring what I learned back home.
I'm ready to make a difference.

Alpaca!?!?!

First off, I just wanted to say thank you for all the birthday wishes, and I appreciate you all and love you all.  Want to know what I did?  Well, inspired by Jessica, I went on an alpaca hunt and went to the zoo.  So I forgot that the zoo's were outside and it was hot on my birthday, so being the fool I was, I wore jeans outside.  Even more so than usual, I got a two-for-one on a chicken sandwich at a fast food joint and didn't want to leave it in the car or else it would spoil.  So for two hours, I walked around the Zoo looking for an alpaca in the hot sun wearing Jeans that had a hot chicken sandwich stuffed inside.  I saw, lions, tigers, BUT NO ALPACAS!!  The zoo lady even lied to me saying that they had a llama, but they didn't even have that.  I left in disarray, heading next to the Chrysler Museum.  I found a free admission ticket in my desk drawer and felt called to go.  Inside was a huge section of glassware, similar to what you see at amusement parks where you throw dimes on.  I am a fan of art, but I don't spend hours staring at it and I don't read all the comments and stuff.  I look, take a picture, and leave.  And that's what I did.  Oh, and they had a curious george exhibit, which was cool (btw, did you know that curious george actually had brothers and sisters?).  After that, it was around 5ish and I passed by a hat shop in a shady area of town.  So I went in and bought what i was looking for: a new ivy hat.  still not hungry for dinner, I drove as far east as I could to make it to the beach.  Didn't go in the water, can't swim with jeans and shoes on.  Felt awkward to be at the beach wearing that, so I left and went home.  Oh, and I did end up seeing an alpaca.  It was the next day, on TV.

Luck

So, this is the post where I'll talk about luck...

I'm not really a superstitious person, but I do notice things that would...freak other people out.  For example.  I drive by a house that owns 4-6 black cats.  Freaks me out every day because I don't want a "bad" day at the hospital...whatever that means.  You NEVER tell pepole that it seems quiet on the floor, because you jinx them later.

Amidst of all the superstition, I think of how lucky I am and have been throughout this program.  Sure, there's been tough times, but I've always had people looking out for me.  I had people supporting me both near and far.  I got to meet people who are struggling through life and still have faith in God.  I've seen miracles done by God on patients over many years, 2 hour alcohol-dependency group sessions, and in two minutes.  And that last one about the two minutes, the guy needed CPR for about 30 min.  The doctor asked the family if they could stop, the family said no.  The doctor gave his staff two more minutes and in those two min they were able to get his heart beating on its own.

Luck...
I'd rather call it a blessing...
a miracle...
God's presence...
faith...

Angry People

Today was the day for angry people.  They're kinda funny, because they're sometimes rediculous of the reasons why they're mad.  But you feel bad for those who have good reason to be mad. 

So I will talk about three angry patients I had today.  I will let you come to your own conclusions what made them angry and if they're valid.  I'll just tell you what I walked into.

Patient #1 was irate because of three major things.  First, they were mad that they waited for 7 hours in ER because ER and the floors were not communicating even though his regular doctor made an appt. for him to be admitted.  What made things worse is that the food in his words "sucks so bad that they shouldn't even call it food." His last argument was that nurses could actually say what they're doing without actually barging into the room and take blood like a vampire in the night.  I told him that I was sorry, I would pray that he goes home soon, and left.  Can't change the past, Can't cook food for him, and I am not the one with the needles.

Patient #2 was asleep...though her caretaker was telling me that she went all crazy on the nurses.  No exact details because she didn't actually witness the events, but it was wierd that she was perfectly normal the day before with no issues.  Her outburst was assumed to be associated with her dementia.  I told the caretaker that I was grateful for her presence now, and will be praying for her.

Patient #3 was calm although irritated to no end.  Why?  Similar to #1, with an issue with food and waiting for doctors and nurses to help them.  Why was she calm?  There was family in the room. 

Chaplaincy has a level of bedside manner that equates to "customer satisfaction."  Yes we report when staff do a bad job.  But hospital food is highly controlled...If you're a patient and you're sick, the first thing to control while your admitted are the things you put in your body.  ER waiting rooms are large because they accomodate a large number of people and therefore you wait a long time.  If you can make reservations through your doctor that is awesome.  But more than likely, triage nurses assess whether or not you can wait or not.  Sometimes the patient can't help it due to behavioral issues.  It's not exactly their fault, and so you have to be accepting of where they're coming from. 

Anger is an emotion, and not uncommon if the patient feels anxious, frustrated, or helpless due to the fact that they cannot fix your own body.  Truth is, just like those who have behavioral issues, it's not exactly their fault either and you have to be accepting of where they're coming from.  They're not always mad at you (though sometimes they are). 

Sometimes meeting them in their darkest moment is to accept the emotions that accompany them as well.

10

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.  My last two posts were last friday, and they were on facebook because I did my overnight and can't access my blog.  So please, go read them there, though i can cut and paste them here if you would like.

Thanks to Megan Yamamoto, the Masukanes and the Tondo's for the care packages.  Definitely it has gotten me out of Charlie Brown syndrome.  Probably as another update is that for those who were planning on mailing me stuff, I want to let you know that I'll be closing my mailbox on the 12th of next week, and trying to forward mail back to Torrance as early as the 10th. 

Well, how am I doing? glad you didn't ask that last week, because it was quite irritating.  I felt like I was making mistakes, and I was frustrated that I was learning office/department "policy" in the last three weeks of my internship.  God that made me mad.  Teach me that on the 3rd day, not the 3rd to last week.

I have 10 days left in the program, and 8 of them are working days.  At this moment, I like "Chaplain Jon" as a visible figure not only to patients, but to staff as well.  It's not that I don't feel comfortable...that could be a blog post in itself to describe how far I came.  But the hospital itself is so compartmentalized that it would be uncommon to know a staff member from another department and even more uncommon if they actually worked together.  But as a chaplain, I interact with the ICU, the regular floors, and the psych floors.  Sure, some of the nurses ignore me, but I don't mind because they're supposed to be busy and not focused on me.  But it is uplifting to know that you are referred to from the units you work with most.  I'm not afraid to step into a room with patients...because I learned that they're people too.  The only difference I have seen is that their brokeness has personified into something much more physical than everyone else.  But everyone is spiritual, everyone is trying to understand life, and everyone defines a higher power (even in those extreme cases where they define themselves as God.). 

So, How am I doing? I feel like a chaplain.  Some days are good, some are not, but the caring for others have never left.  I did not grow to "care" for others, but I understand the power of it and how it can be used to transform lives through God.  For that, I hope I never lose that sense of caring for others.